Let me start this off with - this is one of the most frightening things that I have ever done! I have served in the US Navy, gone cliff diving, lived in Sicily, completed three half marathons, done three years of television talking to an immense amount of people, gone back country backpacking with my daughter when she was 6 y/o, traveled the world, moved cross country as a single mom with the cat from Sicily in tow, and numerous other "courageous" endeavors including being in front large audiences of people for both speaking and singing. Still- this scares the shit out of me.
Look left, that was me nearly 50 pounds ago.
At that weight I thought that I was fat. Oh what I would give to be there again.
Now look right...This blog is me getting responsible for my weight and being real about all *gulp* 204 lbs. (42% body fat) of it. There, I typed it. I am sure that the pulse that I am experiencing is only a precursor of what I will experience when I hit the Publish Live button on this blog.
I guess the first question to answer is "How did that happen?" Well, it sure as hell didn't happen overnight and I did not get up in the middle of the night sneaking Twinkies while the house slept peacefully. It happened between February 2005 and Summer 2007. Looking back, it was the perfect storm for it. I turned 30, I changed lifestyles, had a couple of pregnancies that didn't take but I got far enough along to start packing on weight, and gave myself a lot of leeway around my food and lack of exercise.
My last pregnancy resulted in the birth of my son. Knowing that it would be my last pregnancy ever, I gave myself carte blanche to eat whatever I wanted. I love pancakes- no hiding that- and during my pregnancy I ate A LOT of them. I even had a sang for them as an ode. After my C-section, I used many excuses/reasons for not losing the weight. And the longer that I keep the weight on, and not eat properly, the more health issues that I encourage in my body. I have to remember that sugar is not my friend- no matter how sweet it talks to me.
Over the past couple of years, a few of you have shared my physical endeavors of running, hiking, insane workouts- but I was never FULLY transparent about it and wasn't being FULLY responsible for it. It was all what I WANTED to share. Some of it was to show my strength against struggle, some to illustrate how I wasn't responsible for it, and whatever else there was. I didn't show the emotional abuse that I was doing to myself and how wrong I made myself.
So what will this blog look like? Well, it will serve as a place for me to turn when I need to actually confront my fear. Every bit of it. Not resisting it. Rendering it power-less in my life. It will also give me a place to celebrate and be with it. I have no real plan of attack at this point- just raw uncensored response to taking it on.
I have avoided talking about my weight and when I do, I find reasons for why it is not my fault- reasons that are there for me being overweight. I have shared my 'struggle' around my weight but this is going to be what it looks like when I give up the struggle for sake of struggle and take on the real issue- the damn weight.
I am committed to being healthy so that the world gets all of me. I truly believe that what I have inside of me, my worth, will impact people around the world. And I know that my weight puts a barrier between me and others. I know that I have been the one to put it there and keep it there. I have kept waiting on something to change, something to 'make it better'. Now, I get that it is MY responsibility to 'make it better'. I am also committed to people being able to get close to me in my relationships and not put this physical barrier between us any longer.
I also know that people have similar experiences with whatever is there for them. For them, may you see the courage that is already in yourself through my words and experiences to face whatever demon is there for you. Someone recently reminded me that "Courage is fear holding on a minute longer"- G. Patton. The fear isn't going anywhere but what we do with it is changing.
Thanks for coming along for the ride.
Just an FYI- that little voice is saying "Ang, what the fuck are you doing? You know you're gonna fail and look like an ass- publicly". And to that voice, with tears running down my face and swallowing the giant lump in my throat I say, "Shut up, Bitch. I'm not weighting anymore".