Out of nowhere you have urges, craving, oh my god I just have to have a piece of cake. Oh, and an English muffin. Perhaps waffles. WAIT A MINUTE! Where the hell did all of this come from?!There I was- just minding my own business, eating my seven choco balls a day, and a nutritious dinner, with a ton of water. Water is my friend after all. No real cravings to speak of and I am doing f.i.n.e, fine. We went to dinner last night as Friday nights are family pizza nights. I get a salad (sometimes a single slice) and then they enjoy their pizza. Normally we just order in and enjoy a movie or something but last night I suggested going out.
Everything was pleasant enough for the most part. Just a few days before the kids and I move out and still little stress to speak of between me and the husband. After a few minutes of being at the table together all of a sudden I started noticing him doing many of those little annoying habits that I have about him - and swearing to God that he was doing just to annoy me- I now was craving dessert. Like, really craaaaving it.
Now, the funny thing about this was as soon as I declared my desire for dessert, the more he seemed to annoy me. And then the more that he annoyed me, the stronger the desire. Now let's mix in the date on the calendar. Sorry men readers- that's right- it was the day before I was due to start.
So I am now going out of my mind wanting some decadent, rich, luscious slice of heaven as well as pulling every positive tool that I have to manage this frustration with my husband. Now where to get what I want? There is a fabulous bakery that I know of- and it would cost me nearly 900 calories. And then there is this other place- and about the same amount of calories. Shit. As much as I do want that dessert, I still don't want to invest that much to it. Oh, I know! I had seen a recipe for a raw vegan dessert for a coconut 'cream' pie. Umm...no time. I NEED INSTANT GRATIFICATION HERE FOLKS! I get the carbs and nobody gets hurt.
Being committed to maintain my cool in front of the kids, and not do any harm to my husband, I pull into the parking lot of my local grocer and go inside. I go to the fancy bakery case and salivate. No. Not going to the monster calorie splurge. Then I see it. A yellow cake with a salty caramel frosting. PERFECT.
After I get it home, I cut one slice and sit and enjoy it. Every. Single. Bite. I grab a choco ball out of the freezer to chase it down. No clue why I did this exactly but hey. We continued on to enjoy The Princess and the Frog for the rest of the evening and no one got hurt.
Are the carbs an addiction? Perhaps. And I am clear that my commitments to my family and not acting cracked out due to carb addiction, PMS, still detoxing, and marital and business stress outweighed that piece of salty caramel yellow cake last night.
And- today is a new day.
I have been so fortunate of having people and companies that want to support me in this endeavor. I currently have a queue of different approaches lined up and it makes it difficult to choose which one to take on next- what a fabulous 'problem' to have! Thank you everyone who are out there supporting me along the way. From the products, services, phone calls, emails, and silent cheerleaders, you all have my gratitude.
I am so excited about my next approach. It is with Super Natural Energy Balls. Due to a communication error on my part, I don't get this fab fab product until Wednesday. So yesterday I sat there and ask "Ok, now what?"
How many times have you found yourself in between two things and you have some down time? You know that whatever you do will be only for the moment. I know that come Wednesday I will be committed to something- but until then, I get to do whatever I want. I get to wing it. Whoa there Nelly, but wait. I need to remember that ground that I have made. I have to be responsible for my actions and I am committed to progress forward.
Hmmm... what else in life can I relate this to? Jobs? Yup. Your own biz? Absolutely. Relationships? Fo sho! See- this blog isn't just about weight loss, Lovies.
So what did I do anyhow? Well, Sunday night I enjoyed a vegan brownie. Trust me, I never thought that I would ever say this but " MAN, was it good!" I don't care if you are vegan, omnivore, or straight up carnivore- you would love this brownie. I heard the raves of the other many treats that the baker made but only allowed myself the one brownie. Ms. Wyse, truly, you should have a bakery. *note for Ms. Wyse-If you want to explore that idea, we should talk. Then on Monday I just kept it very sensible.
Today, I felt myself craving produce. I went into the fridge and grabbed a beet, a cucumber, two carrots, two celery stalks, a handful of spinach, a snip it of wheat grass, a banana, and threw it all into the blender with a little water-mmmmmmm. Just what I wanted! Just what I needed!
In whatever meantime that you find yourself in, consider it an unanticipated break in the regularly scheduled program that allows you to stop and smell the roses. I got to blend beets for the first time today, learn the yumminess of vegan brownies, and enjoyed a yerba mate latte.
Oh- and I love the shade of red from the beets ;-)
10:00pm- the kids are asleep, and the husband has gone somewhere after a heated discussion. Wanting to go into the kitchen and eat...eat what? Fuck it doesn't matter what the hell I eat right now. I just want to fill myself with something. Goddamn him, great- now I am blaming him and arguing with myself because if I go in there- to the kitchen- it isn't him MAKING me. But it is a reaction TO him.
Fuck- but it is MY choice. And now wanting of a cigarette. Nearly 5 years without a single goddamn cigarette but I want one right the fuck now. What the hell happened to me that I turned into an emotional eater? When the hell did that fucking shit happen??
Another way fill myself- or destroy myself. Not sure which. A little of both perhaps. 10:07p and a Skype call at 6:00am- a bowl of cereal. NO. No cereal- not on the plan.
Well all of this bullshit wasn't on the fucking plan either. What am I committed to? I am committed to losing the weight and the emotional shit that is obviously along for the fucking ride. I am committed to living powerfully despite what life throws at me. And it's hard.